You know what I love?
I love writing.
I love writing poems. I love writing stories. I love having so many thoughts and ideas that they just rush out of me in a nonsensical way.
I love having a new notebook to scribble in.
I love new pens. The gel kinds are my favorite.
I love having so much inspiration to choose from to write about.
The best writings come from the heart. The best poems are windows into the soul, because that is what they contain. They contain heart and soul and raw emotion.
Writing is my escape. It's where no one can hurt me, judge me, or anything. It's mine. It's my mind and my feelings.
It's exactly the way it should be.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Heartless
Sometimes, I wonder just how badly I'm damaged inside.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'll cry the next time I lose someone I love or the next time someone walks out of my life.
That's not happened in such awhile. I've hurt people, I've left people, people have left me, I've broken up with people, I've crushed people. I do truly feel bad. But it doesn't hurt me emotionally inside. I can disengage from people in such a way that seeing them go, though sad, does not crush me. I've learned to not hold strings with people, because in the end, they just leave anyway.
It's a defense mechanism. It's how I protect my heart and my sanity. The few who I have let in crushed me when we parted ways. I can still remember the gut wrenching sobs that were torn from my body. I remember every last moment we had. And I remember saying goodbye.
I remember all of that, and yet here and now, if people left my life, I feel as though it wouldn't make much of a difference at all. I love my friends. Don't get me wrong. I would miss them if one of us left. But I wouldn't miss them enough to the point where my life stopped the day one of us left. Life must go on, you know?
Does that make me heartless? I don't know. All I know is that I do love with my whole heart, I just don't let the grief consume me. I've learned not to. I've learned that people inevitably part ways throughout the course of life. It doesn't kill me.
At least it hasn't lately.
I have a strange urge to know if I'm still that heartless monster. I have an urge to know if someone that I loved with my whole heart (excluding family members) left me, or I them, would it hurt me? Would I cry endlessly for days?
I really honestly ponder this because of my boyfriend. I have broken up with people before, I have rejected people before, I myself have had both things happen as well. But I wasn't attached to those people enough and not in the same way. I've seen grown men cry, where I could not shed a tear. Is that still me?
I hate to think of us breaking up, but I have to wonder...will it hurt if and when it happens? Will I cry in my room for days? Will I refuse to set foot outside or even out of bed?
Even imagining it, it sounds ridiculous to me. I know myself, and that doesn't sound like me. I love with my whole heart, but at the end of the day, it's just not something I do. I don't get so emotionally involved with someone to where I am vulnerable. I don't cry after people leaving me or I them. I don't. I can't really picture that changing about myself.
But maybe it's already too late...maybe time will only tell...maybe...
Sometimes, I wonder if I'll cry the next time I lose someone I love or the next time someone walks out of my life.
That's not happened in such awhile. I've hurt people, I've left people, people have left me, I've broken up with people, I've crushed people. I do truly feel bad. But it doesn't hurt me emotionally inside. I can disengage from people in such a way that seeing them go, though sad, does not crush me. I've learned to not hold strings with people, because in the end, they just leave anyway.
It's a defense mechanism. It's how I protect my heart and my sanity. The few who I have let in crushed me when we parted ways. I can still remember the gut wrenching sobs that were torn from my body. I remember every last moment we had. And I remember saying goodbye.
I remember all of that, and yet here and now, if people left my life, I feel as though it wouldn't make much of a difference at all. I love my friends. Don't get me wrong. I would miss them if one of us left. But I wouldn't miss them enough to the point where my life stopped the day one of us left. Life must go on, you know?
Does that make me heartless? I don't know. All I know is that I do love with my whole heart, I just don't let the grief consume me. I've learned not to. I've learned that people inevitably part ways throughout the course of life. It doesn't kill me.
At least it hasn't lately.
I have a strange urge to know if I'm still that heartless monster. I have an urge to know if someone that I loved with my whole heart (excluding family members) left me, or I them, would it hurt me? Would I cry endlessly for days?
I really honestly ponder this because of my boyfriend. I have broken up with people before, I have rejected people before, I myself have had both things happen as well. But I wasn't attached to those people enough and not in the same way. I've seen grown men cry, where I could not shed a tear. Is that still me?
I hate to think of us breaking up, but I have to wonder...will it hurt if and when it happens? Will I cry in my room for days? Will I refuse to set foot outside or even out of bed?
Even imagining it, it sounds ridiculous to me. I know myself, and that doesn't sound like me. I love with my whole heart, but at the end of the day, it's just not something I do. I don't get so emotionally involved with someone to where I am vulnerable. I don't cry after people leaving me or I them. I don't. I can't really picture that changing about myself.
But maybe it's already too late...maybe time will only tell...maybe...
Friday, May 25, 2012
Skin Deep
You know what ticks me off? When people are shallow. Like, this REALLY gets to me. You wanna know why? Ok, I'll tell you.
Now before I start, I'm going to tell you that I'm not perfect by any means. I am human, and I also fall into this shallow business. There is my disclaimer. But now I will start my rant.
So, shallow people. Well, maybe it's not the people themselves, maybe it's because society as a whole is shallow. Shallow and superficial. I can't stand it. Who are YOU to say someone is not truly beautiful? Huh? Who are YOU?
Let me tell you something. I have NEVER heard something so tasteless and shallow as a person rating another person's appearance and saying how high their standards are. You know what I find funny? The most UNATTRACTIVE guys have the highest standards sometimes. It's ridiculous.
This is why young girls and women are so messed up in this country. People (men, media, other women) are constantly saying that looks are the most important thing about women. It's about how skinny she is and how sexy she is. But most importantly, it's all about how sexy she ISN'T. If she's not a freaking model, then she isn't worth it.
News flash. Models and celebrities are photoshopped so much that the pictures hardly look like the original person sometimes. No real person looks like that. But as a society, that's how we have been programmed to think. That's beauty. And you know what? It's not.
What's on the outside isn't all the matters. And I know to some people, men and women alike, that is all that matters. It shouldn't be that way.
As a girl, I have come from horrible self esteem issues. My confidence in myself used to be at less than zero. I was so messed up in the head that I thought nothing of myself. I was ugly and useless. Society told me I wasn't good enough, and I believed that.
I've since pulled myself up out of that dark place. But sometimes it's hard to not go back. It's those constant reminders to yourself that you are beautiful just the way you are. Those reminders when you say you're worth something; you're priceless. It's those things that keep me from going back.
I don't think ANY girl should have to go through such dark times and be so depressed ever in her entire life. That's why it makes me so mad when I hear guys tearing girls down saying "she's not pretty enough" or "I only go after amazingly gorgeous girls." It's disgusting. Girls don't need anyone else criticizing themselves because she is, and always will be, her harshest and most ruthless judge. Girls don't need any help creating a self esteem issue because chances are, like myself, she is already battling one inside of herself.
I think that EVERY girl deserves to be treated like she is a princess. Every girl deserves to be treated like she's a 10. Because you know what? In her own way, she is a 10. Not a 5. Not an 8. A 10. She is priceless. She is a masterpiece just the way she is. If more people believed this, maybe this world and country wouldn't be as screwed up as it is now. Maybe more girls would believe that they deserve a man that treats her right and not like a piece of trash. maybe then she would believe in herself.
Every girl is perfect in her own way. She is unique. She is a work of art. Never can she be duplicated. Her personality, her laugh, her quirks, everything. It's perfect just the way it is. When people can't see that about another person, it's too bad. It's too bad that person can't see what a treasure the other person is. It's too bad that that person will never be able to see true beauty. True beauty comes from the inside. After all, the outside fades after while, but the inside will always be.
I only hope that when I have children, my daughter knows that she is perfect. Anyone who cannot see that would be a fool. A blind fool. They are the ones not worth it. Those people who choose not to see beauty are not worth it.
For all you girls out there reading this: YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. DON'T LISTEN TO SOCIETY. LISTEN TO YOU. YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE. YOU ARE ORIGINAL. YOU CAN NEVER BE DUPLICATED. THAT IS BEAUTY. YOU ARE AMAZING. AND BEAUTIFUL.
Now before I start, I'm going to tell you that I'm not perfect by any means. I am human, and I also fall into this shallow business. There is my disclaimer. But now I will start my rant.
So, shallow people. Well, maybe it's not the people themselves, maybe it's because society as a whole is shallow. Shallow and superficial. I can't stand it. Who are YOU to say someone is not truly beautiful? Huh? Who are YOU?
Let me tell you something. I have NEVER heard something so tasteless and shallow as a person rating another person's appearance and saying how high their standards are. You know what I find funny? The most UNATTRACTIVE guys have the highest standards sometimes. It's ridiculous.
This is why young girls and women are so messed up in this country. People (men, media, other women) are constantly saying that looks are the most important thing about women. It's about how skinny she is and how sexy she is. But most importantly, it's all about how sexy she ISN'T. If she's not a freaking model, then she isn't worth it.
News flash. Models and celebrities are photoshopped so much that the pictures hardly look like the original person sometimes. No real person looks like that. But as a society, that's how we have been programmed to think. That's beauty. And you know what? It's not.
What's on the outside isn't all the matters. And I know to some people, men and women alike, that is all that matters. It shouldn't be that way.
As a girl, I have come from horrible self esteem issues. My confidence in myself used to be at less than zero. I was so messed up in the head that I thought nothing of myself. I was ugly and useless. Society told me I wasn't good enough, and I believed that.
I've since pulled myself up out of that dark place. But sometimes it's hard to not go back. It's those constant reminders to yourself that you are beautiful just the way you are. Those reminders when you say you're worth something; you're priceless. It's those things that keep me from going back.
I don't think ANY girl should have to go through such dark times and be so depressed ever in her entire life. That's why it makes me so mad when I hear guys tearing girls down saying "she's not pretty enough" or "I only go after amazingly gorgeous girls." It's disgusting. Girls don't need anyone else criticizing themselves because she is, and always will be, her harshest and most ruthless judge. Girls don't need any help creating a self esteem issue because chances are, like myself, she is already battling one inside of herself.
I think that EVERY girl deserves to be treated like she is a princess. Every girl deserves to be treated like she's a 10. Because you know what? In her own way, she is a 10. Not a 5. Not an 8. A 10. She is priceless. She is a masterpiece just the way she is. If more people believed this, maybe this world and country wouldn't be as screwed up as it is now. Maybe more girls would believe that they deserve a man that treats her right and not like a piece of trash. maybe then she would believe in herself.
Every girl is perfect in her own way. She is unique. She is a work of art. Never can she be duplicated. Her personality, her laugh, her quirks, everything. It's perfect just the way it is. When people can't see that about another person, it's too bad. It's too bad that person can't see what a treasure the other person is. It's too bad that that person will never be able to see true beauty. True beauty comes from the inside. After all, the outside fades after while, but the inside will always be.
I only hope that when I have children, my daughter knows that she is perfect. Anyone who cannot see that would be a fool. A blind fool. They are the ones not worth it. Those people who choose not to see beauty are not worth it.
For all you girls out there reading this: YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. DON'T LISTEN TO SOCIETY. LISTEN TO YOU. YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE. YOU ARE ORIGINAL. YOU CAN NEVER BE DUPLICATED. THAT IS BEAUTY. YOU ARE AMAZING. AND BEAUTIFUL.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Excitement.
How long has it been since you've felt this kind of excitement:
Excitement, yet panic at the same time. The future awaits before you. And you can hardly wait to start. It's the sort of excitement you can only get from something you're passionate about. The excitement that makes your stomach leap just a little. It's the excitement to do something you think you were meant to do. Destiny awaits you. It awaits us all. The anticipation kills you as you wait for the proper moment to start. It pushes you forward. It makes you want to accomplish everything that is standing in your way of you and your destiny. You and your future. You will fight if you must because at this point, you will do anything to achieve your goal. The excitement drives you forward. It boils your blood.
Excitement, yet panic at the same time. The future awaits before you. And you can hardly wait to start. It's the sort of excitement you can only get from something you're passionate about. The excitement that makes your stomach leap just a little. It's the excitement to do something you think you were meant to do. Destiny awaits you. It awaits us all. The anticipation kills you as you wait for the proper moment to start. It pushes you forward. It makes you want to accomplish everything that is standing in your way of you and your destiny. You and your future. You will fight if you must because at this point, you will do anything to achieve your goal. The excitement drives you forward. It boils your blood.
Magic
It's that moment that takes your breath away. You know what I'm talking about. The first kiss you share with a person of interest. It's like magic. In my experience, nothing else compares to that first kiss in a new relationship. My heart races. My mind spins. My palms sweat. The first kiss is one of the best "highs" a person can ever have. Something drags you to it. Pulls you in. And all you want is to feel that rush again and again.
If this is such an amazing feeling, why does the magic fade? When and why do the fluttering feelings pass?
Why do people go out seeking that high? It's never as good as you think it is.
Is this what causes people to cheat? People seeking that high that they no longer have with the person they are with? Still too much in love, yet feeling no magic.
The truth is, I think, that if you are in love, there will always be magic. There will always be those heart stopping moments. Those disorienting moments. Magic. Electricity. So much emphasis has gone onto those feelings that when we start to feel them not as strongly as we once did, we worry that the magic is slowly fleeting away.
The magic is there as long as you want it to be there. Whether it's found in a moment that you catch yourself thinking, "I love this person." Or whether it's found in that moment where you lock eyes across the room and share that secret smile. Whether it's found in those precious moments when the other person does something selfless for you, or in those moments where you want to strangle someone. It's there.
Magic.
It's all around us. We just have to see it. There is no greater feeling than coming home to a person who loves me. There is no greater high than that.
If this is such an amazing feeling, why does the magic fade? When and why do the fluttering feelings pass?
Why do people go out seeking that high? It's never as good as you think it is.
Is this what causes people to cheat? People seeking that high that they no longer have with the person they are with? Still too much in love, yet feeling no magic.
The truth is, I think, that if you are in love, there will always be magic. There will always be those heart stopping moments. Those disorienting moments. Magic. Electricity. So much emphasis has gone onto those feelings that when we start to feel them not as strongly as we once did, we worry that the magic is slowly fleeting away.
The magic is there as long as you want it to be there. Whether it's found in a moment that you catch yourself thinking, "I love this person." Or whether it's found in that moment where you lock eyes across the room and share that secret smile. Whether it's found in those precious moments when the other person does something selfless for you, or in those moments where you want to strangle someone. It's there.
Magic.
It's all around us. We just have to see it. There is no greater feeling than coming home to a person who loves me. There is no greater high than that.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Home and the Heart
Denmark. Newport. Denmark. Newport.
They say that home is where the heart is. What they don't say is that your heart can be split into so many pieces that it hurts to think about home. Wherever that home may be.
It's been nearly a year since I've been back 'home' here in Newport. It's been nearly a year since I left my 'home' in Denmark. It's been nearly a year. That's so crazy for me to think about. It's been THAT long already??? Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that I came back. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream. In those moments, I pray that my travels really happened. I pray that it all wasn't a dream. Then it all comes flooding back.
Some mornings I wake up and am fine. I can look back on my time spent abroad with very fond memories. Other mornings...well, those mornings are different. On those mornings, I wake up sick. I wake up so homesick that I don't know what to do with myself. I remember my friends. I remember my families. I remember my freedom. I remember it all. The homesickness can be so overwhelming.
They don't tell you that when you come home. They don't tell you that any recollection of your time spent abroad will drum up those feelings. They don't tell you that no one will possibly ever understand why you have that stupid grin on your face when remembering something your host mom said or did for you. They don't tell you how much you will miss all of your friends that you made and how it's almost impossible to coordinate schedules so you can visit each other. They don't tell you that the homesickness never ends.
It's almost a year later, and I still get consumed with homesickness. I miss Denmark so much sometimes that it hurts. I get scared to look at any pictures or read any diaries, lest I remember. But I can't stand to look away from any of them, lest I forget.
I miss it. I miss my friends. I miss my families. I miss the country. I miss everything about my time abroad.
I want to quote a very wise man, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I try to live every day of my life that way. This is my drive. Everything I learned and experienced, though it brings me sadness to remember and miss, I would never change. It's brought me to so many new places in my life. And Denmark will forever be my home. It will forever be my home because it will always have a piece of my heart.
And after all, home is where the heart is, right?
They say that home is where the heart is. What they don't say is that your heart can be split into so many pieces that it hurts to think about home. Wherever that home may be.
It's been nearly a year since I've been back 'home' here in Newport. It's been nearly a year since I left my 'home' in Denmark. It's been nearly a year. That's so crazy for me to think about. It's been THAT long already??? Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that I came back. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream. In those moments, I pray that my travels really happened. I pray that it all wasn't a dream. Then it all comes flooding back.
Some mornings I wake up and am fine. I can look back on my time spent abroad with very fond memories. Other mornings...well, those mornings are different. On those mornings, I wake up sick. I wake up so homesick that I don't know what to do with myself. I remember my friends. I remember my families. I remember my freedom. I remember it all. The homesickness can be so overwhelming.
They don't tell you that when you come home. They don't tell you that any recollection of your time spent abroad will drum up those feelings. They don't tell you that no one will possibly ever understand why you have that stupid grin on your face when remembering something your host mom said or did for you. They don't tell you how much you will miss all of your friends that you made and how it's almost impossible to coordinate schedules so you can visit each other. They don't tell you that the homesickness never ends.
It's almost a year later, and I still get consumed with homesickness. I miss Denmark so much sometimes that it hurts. I get scared to look at any pictures or read any diaries, lest I remember. But I can't stand to look away from any of them, lest I forget.
I miss it. I miss my friends. I miss my families. I miss the country. I miss everything about my time abroad.
I want to quote a very wise man, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I try to live every day of my life that way. This is my drive. Everything I learned and experienced, though it brings me sadness to remember and miss, I would never change. It's brought me to so many new places in my life. And Denmark will forever be my home. It will forever be my home because it will always have a piece of my heart.
And after all, home is where the heart is, right?
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