If you want the truth about my exchange and how I'm doing, then this blog post is for you. If you are tired of the shallow posts saying how grand life is, then this post is for you. If you care about how I'm REALLY doing, then this post is for you. Otherwise, stop reading now.
I decided to write this post awhile ago. I just haven't been able to do it until now. I figured that I owe it to my faithful readers, family, and friends. You deserve to know how I really am doing.
It's the day before Thanksgiving. Almost a month before Christmas. Just weeks until my 18th birthday. I've been in Denmark almost 4 months right now. Some days it feels like it's been a century. Other days, it's like the blink of an eye.
I've had my struggles here in Denmark. As I'm sure all the exchange students here this year have. It hasn't all been a bed of roses or a walk in the park. It's been a year, give or take, since I first filled out my application and completed my interviews. Wow, how long ago that seems. And how surreal that I'm actually here now. I'm doing something that I never in my entire life desired to do...I guess people and dreams can change, can't they.
Ok, it's time for the 'nitty gritty'. The truth about all things.
That non existant bed of roses that I mentioned earlier is true. It hasn't been. Every day is a challenge for me. Something I have to work for. I have to work for my language, my school, my rotary, my friends, and most importantly, myself. I want to look back in this year and have no regrets.
Having friends over here has been hard. My closest friends are other exchange students. I love them all to pieces. I do have some Danish friends, but not a million like I would like. My class of 26 people is generally very nice to me. But sadly, I can say I'm only genuinly friends with less than half. The language barrier didn't scare me at first when I came. Everyone said that Danes love speaking English and would gladly practice on me. Well, I don't know which Danes they have been talking to, but my Danes choose to almost never speak English. The language barrier is now a huge deal with making friends. I speak Danish when I can, but not understanding what your classmates are saying to each other across the lunch table or classroom is just a horrible secluding feeling...do I wish I had more Danish friends? Yes. But I love the ones I have right now and I really wouldn't trade them. I just keep hoping I'll make more as the language goes along.
Speaking of Danish...it goes. It just goes. I'm like a duck out of water a lot of the time. I understand so much somedays. And other days it's hard to make out two words. I have the reading and writing level of a middle schooler I think. That is to say, I can read a lot and write a lot. But not everything. Especially not super scientific or advanced pieces. My speech, however, is probably more like that of a small child. 5-8 maybe. That's the frustrating part. Thinking about the language and everything I say before I say it. I'm
not worried about saying it perfect anymore, cuz heaven knows, I probably will never say it just perfect. I still get laughed at or chuckled at when I try to say some things. That's a bit disheartening. It was cute in the beginning, but really? Four months in, and you're still having a problem with my accent? I don't comment on when you say English words wrong...so yea. Danish is coming. Slowly. I like to think I'm on track with most of the rest of the exchange students here. But somedays I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm so left behind. That I'll never dream in Danish again. That I'll never hit the fluency where I can have a whole conversation. Those things worry me a great deal...I try to integrate Danish into life whenever I can. I type to friends in Danish and I speak when I can. I just want it so bad. And I fear it'll never come.
Now for home. Do I miss my home of Newport? Yes. And no. I miss my family a lot. I miss being my daddy's little girl. I miss my mom. I kiss fighting with my brother and sister. I miss terribly my niece and nephew who are like my own children. I miss them all. I miss my friends too. Not as much as I originally expected too. But I do. I muss driving the loser lap around town cuz there is nothing better to do. Miss Dutch bros. ^_^ but in general, I don't miss 'newport' very much at all. Sure, it's my home. But here is something I realized the other day. I am really blessed. Some people don't have any place on God's green earth that they can call a home. And I've got 4. My home in Nebraska. That will always be my home. My home in Ohio. My family will always welcome me. My home in Newport. Where I decided to let myself sink in and take root. And now my home here. Denmark. It is a blessing to say I have that many homes and places where I know I belong. But you can only be in one home at a time. And you'll always miss the others. I have cried since I've been here. Not a cry to go back, but a cry to not be forgotten. Replaced. A cry that you'll always love me no matter where in the world I go. That's what I cry for.
And my last, but certainly not least, subject that I will be addressing tonight with complete truthfulness is changes. Changes here in Denmark. Ones I see in myself. Ones I wish to see. Ones I wish will never take place...I have changes already since coming to Denmark. I'm becoming who I am. What I see so far is that I'm becoming assertive again. I've changed a lot in the past few years. I lost who I was for a long time. But now, I see that person coming back. It might not sound like much to you, but I've struggled with being assertive for a long time. I've been working on it over here. If I don't do it for myself, no one else is going to. It's not a bother to people to ask questions or favors. And it's not embarrassing. I've asked so many people for help out here. More than a year in Newport probably. Huge change for me...another change I'm working on and that I gradually see improvements in is my self esteem and confidence. I used to be a confident girl with esteem as high as the sky. But somehwere along the bumpy ride of life, I lost a lot of it. I'm working on that over here. People ask me why I've stopped using make up or why I only use mascara now. Because I want to feel beautiful just being me. I don't want to be covered up anymore. I want to be real. And I've been doing that here. I wear some mascara and that's all. And believe it or nor, I feel beautiful no matter what. Because I am beautiful. You can't get your worth from anyone but yourself. I'm perfectly, beautifully, and wonderfully made...now a change I don't ever want to see in my time here. Alcohol. The drinking age is 16 here and it's hugely part of danish teen life to get hammered at parties. My classmates and friends no that I don't want to get drunk. They have a hard time accepting this though. I don't want to regret anything I do out here. And a drunken night at a party could undo my whole life. I've seen what alcohol can do to people and families. Alcoholism is a huge part in my family background and history. I've never had the desire to drink or get drunk. I don't think people realize this. I don't think they can really understand my reason: I care too much. I care about my future. I care about hurting my family. I care about hurting myself. I've always been the one to think about the consequences something could have. I've never been a live in the moment kinda gal. My decisions do effect other people. Just like their decisions effect me. In my life I never want to have a negative impact on someone's life. I don't want that part of me to change. It's too important.
So...I think that's about it. The truth. The real truth. Nothing but the truth. I bet some people are reading this thinking why would I post something like this? Well, as part of the changes thing, I'm working on not caring about what people think. It's only what I think that matters. And I thought this would be good to inform people on how I'm really doing. So! If you want more truth, send a comment or email. Questions are always welcome.
Love you all so much!
Rebekah Smith <3
